


what it is to feel

by WattStalf



Category: Fire Emblem Echoes: Mou Hitori no Eiyuu Ou | Fire Emblem Echoes: Shadows of Valentia, Fire Emblem Series
Genre: Anal Sex, Kink Meme, Loss of Virginity, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Prostitution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-27 01:20:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15013583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WattStalf/pseuds/WattStalf
Summary: Lukas has always felt like he lacks something in the emotional department, but falling in love and experiencing jealousy are not all they are cracked up to be. When he hears rumors of someone in the Deliverance who might be able to distract him, he pursues that.





	what it is to feel

**Author's Note:**

> i've been wanting to write this fic since i first started playing SoV over a year ago, and it has finally happened.  
> in response to this prompt which i may or may not have sent myself: https://fe-kink-meme-2.tumblr.com/post/160853621985/tobin-needs-to-make-some-extra-money-and-decided

Lukas isn’t quite sure how long he’s known that he is not what he is taught he should be. When he looks back now, it should have all been obvious, and maybe he’s always known, but it’s hard to tell. Any matters involving emotions and connections to others are difficult to really figure out, and he supposes it doesn’t really matter when it began, or when he truly understood.

There was a woman once, and he liked her company well enough, at least as much as he liked anyone. She was a friend, and he courted her, but as for why...Lukas knows that he has a habit of going through the motions and doing what he thinks that he  _ should _ be doing. It was time he started thinking about his future, about marriage, or so he was told, and he courted his friend until he had to leave.

He knows that it’s unnatural that he doesn’t miss her or think about her, or worry about her at all. That is how it is with most anyone he considers a friend, and he knows that he never loved her. He also knows that it’s not her fault, that he couldn’t have loved her, and for a while, he thinks that it is simply because he cannot love anyone. Lukas is so unfamiliar with most feelings that when he does finally experience one, it is hard to determine what it is.

When he finally figures out that his closeness to Clive does not come from being comrades, that he does not love him as a brother in arms, Lukas wonders. He wonders if it was simply because she was a girl that he could not love his friend; he wonders if he could have fallen for any man, or if this is something exclusive to Clive.

And he tries, at first, to deny it all. What does he know of love? It very well could be that this is the first truly fulfilling friendship that he’s ever had, and that he is mistaking that for love. He almost convinces himself of that, but then, he is plagued by thoughts that he has never been troubled with before. Like anyone, he has wondered about intimacy, and he has even wondered what it would be like to simply kiss someone else, but that was more of a detached curiosity. With Clive, it feels more like...a  _ desire _ , and it is not very often that Lukas can say he desires anything.

He thinks so often about Clive, about what could be, about what he knows goes on between real couples. Lukas does not know what it says about him that his first love is another man, if he is even in love to begin with, or what it means that he desires this man so intensely.

Fortunately for him, no matter how present these thoughts become, his face never betrays him and his demeanor remains the same. Love, or lust, or whatever this may be, does not change him externally, and he goes on with his life. New feelings pop up from time to time, but always in relation to Clive, and it feels more like a curse than a blessing. He should be happy that he’s finally feeling  _ something _ like passion, something like the others around him do, but things were much simpler when everything felt dull around the edges, and when he felt separate from all affairs, even those that directly involved him.

And now there is the matter of jealousy, another emotion that was previously entirely foreign to him. The closest he got in the past, he supposes, is wishing that he  _ could _ experience that, but even that was dull, empty, compared to what he feels when he sees the way Clive and Mathilda look at each other.

From the beginning, he knew that anything he felt for Clive would go unrequited. How could anyone hope to measure up to Mathilda in his eyes? And she is a proper catch, and it is hard to blame him for how much he loves her, and Lukas has never been able to think ill of her. She doesn’t deserve the jealousy, that feels almost like hatred at times, that Lukas feels toward her. He doesn’t want to feel that way toward her, just the same as he doesn’t want to think about Clive the way he does.

The only solution is as much distance he can manage, and swallowing his feelings whenever he can. There have been times, in the past, where some feelings have bubbled past the surface- even he is not immune to anger, and he’s lost his temper a time or two, so he worries about losing his composure in this regard as well. Above all else, he must keep his feelings to himself, to protect his friendship with Clive, and to keep from hurting either him or Mathilda. Lukas knows the only one in the wrong in this situation is him.

Why did he pray for feelings like these, only for them to cause more problems? Why can’t he just be normal?

Lukas worries about his feelings slipping out or causing problems, but he has no way to properly express them, nor any way to work out his frustrations. Training and battles do nothing to ease the ache, and voluntary separation from Clive can only go so far. He needs another outlet, and that is when he first begins to hear the rumors.

Always, Lukas has wondered if it is simply an attraction to Clive or if it goes further, if he is the sort who is only attracted to men. Women have always been off the table, but what about other men? When the rumors begin to spread through their army, he sees an opportunity that he knows he should not take. He knows that he should be above such things, and that the thought should never cross his mind.

But Lukas is changing, into someone he barely recognizes, and he decides that it’s worth a try.

Call it a morale boost or call it a fundraiser; call it whatever you want, even predictable, but that does not change that what it truly is is prostitution. When Lukas begins to hear rumors of one of the villagers brought with Alm offering sexual favors in return for money, he knows better than to pursue it, and yet he still does.

Tobin has made it no secret that he is in this to earn money for his family. Lukas would never shame him for such motivations, but going so far as to stoop to prostitution is a little much. There are those among them, however, who are not so honorable that they would turn down the chance for a fuck, even if it is with a young man, and they are willing to take what they can get. Perhaps there are even some like Lukas, who would prefer the company of a man either way. Whatever the case, Tobin gets his fair share of business, at least enough for the rumors to reach Lukas, and that is when he makes the terrible decision to pay Tobin a visit.

“You’re not gonna rat me out, are you?” is the first thing that he asks.

“You’d hardly be the first to trade your body for coin,” Lukas replies, “and I doubt there’s much anyone would do about it. You have Alm on your side, remember?”

“Yeah, but I dunno how much he...or any of the rest of them know.” Tobin winces. “They’ve probably already heard, huh?”

“I’m not sure either way,” he admits. “But I won’t do anything to spread the rumors further.”

“I appreciate it. It’s not that you guys aren’t paying well, it’s just...well, times are so hard, and I want to help my family as much as I can. I-I know you’re probably going to say that they wouldn’t want to see me like this, but-”

“I’m not going to say anything of the sort. What you do for your family and how you do it is your business,” Lukas interrupts. “Besides, it’s hardly my place to lecture you when I…”

“So, that’s what you’re here for, huh?” Now, Tobin wears the hint of a smirk, looking not unlike one of his closer friends.

“I would appreciate it if you keep that between us.”

“Totally confidential, I promise.” Lukas can’t help but suspect that Tobin has other motives and he can’t help but notice a bit of pain in his eyes, something that he might not have recognized if it didn’t look so familiar. But, whether their circumstances are similar or not is none of his business, and that is not the matter he is here to attend to.

Right now, he just wants to find out if there is another way to stop thinking about Clive.

It’s funny, when Lukas thinks about it. He is older and far more worldly than Tobin, and more experienced in several regards, but this is his first time, whereas Tobin has become an old hand. At the very least, the younger man doesn’t poke fun at him, and instead, patiently walks him through what he needs to do, helping him with everything from lubcration to position.

But when Tobin is face down with Lukas behind him, he can figure things out the rest of the way. He has fantasized more than he cares to admit, and sought out more information than he should have, and though a part of him thinks that Clive should be the one fucking him, he has fantasized about it both ways, and perhaps, if he closes his eyes…

But just before Lukas because to hesitantly press inside of Tobin, he tells himself not to do that. It would be easy, he knows, to slip into a fantasy about Clive, to close his eyes and pretend, but would that really help to cure him, or only make things worse? And he is already worried about his lips betraying him; that would only increase the risk of him accidentally calling Tobin by the wrong name, and he would sooner die than anyone know about his helpless, hopeless, pathetic infatuation.

For a moment, he has nothing to worry about. He is ashamed of himself, but he’s gotten rather well-acquainted with his own hand, especially lately. Lukas would like to say that, at this point, he is no stranger to pleasure, but it is nothing compared to what over takes him as soon as he is buried within Tobin, white hot and blinding, and enough to leave him whimpering, though he doesn’t realize that he is the one making that sound at first.

He has nothing to worry about because it is impossible to think about  _ anything  _ at first, least of all Clive, and it isn’t until his own pathetic noises snap him out of it that he is able to clear his head a little bit.

So, this is it, then. Well, he can’t say that he doesn’t get it, why so many men go on and on about their own sexual conquests. He could never relate in the past, but he simply wasn’t interested in tales of the women they conquered. Now...well, now he can see that there is something to this after all. Certainly, he can say that he’s going to get his money’s worth, even if he’s sure it must be too soon to determine something like that.

In the beginning, he is, as sad as it may sound, so  _ content _ that all of his previous worries seem far from his mind, but as his head begins to clear, and as he follows Tobin’s instructions from before and begins a slow, steady pace- harder than he imagined it would be- he falters. Even without closing his eyes, and even without trying to conjure such images, there are flashes of Clive in his mind, Clive beneath him, Clive overtop of him while he is in Tobin’s position, and Lukas is powerless to stop them.

As quickly as it begins, his first time becomes spoiled by guilt; just as Mathilda does not deserve his jealousy, Tobin does not deserve the way Lukas desperately wishes that he were someone else. Or perhaps the prostitution negates that, but even telling himself that does not make Lukas feel any less guilty. It is, perhaps, only because of his guilt that he is able to maintain his steady pace, and not succumb almost immediately to the pleasure that threatens to overcome him from his first thrust.

That is not to say that it’s bad. Lukas could never describe any of this as bad, and for someone who has spent so long without even the most basic physical contact, it’s all very overwhelming. So, even with the guilt helping to stave off his orgasm for a little while, it still isn’t too long before the blinding heat returns, before he’s lost again, before he knows that no one and nothing could stop him now. Against his will, he closes his eyes as he comes and, against his will, he imagines Clive one last time.

The next few moments are a blur, but when he is next to Tobin, rather than on top of him, he struggles to catch his breath before he says, “Should I have done more? You didn’t…” He trails off, realizing how naive he must sound.

“I mean, you’re not paying for my good time, but I appreciate the thought,” Tobin says with a soft laugh. There is a pause, neither of them speaking for some time, and Lukas doesn’t know what there is to say, if there’s anything at all. But then, Tobin is the one to break the silence. “I’m in love with Gray.”

His close friend, another from his village. Lukas can picture him almost immediately, though all he can picture is how fervently Gray has been pursuing Clive’s own sister. He nods, understanding the pain in Tobin’s eyes now, and why it isn’t unlike his own, but not understanding why Tobin is telling him something like this.

“This doesn’t help take my mind off of him as much as I thought it would,” he continues, and Lukas resists the urge to agree. “Do you have someone you’re trying to forget?”

“I…”

“It’s alright if you don’t want to tell me, you just seem like you do, is all. Maybe I’m prying too much.” Sighing, he continues, “Maybe it was stupid of me to tell you about Gray, I dunno. I know he’ll never think of me like that...I’ve known that for a while. Still pretty hard to move on.”

“Is there any reason you’re telling me all of this?”

“Like I said, you seem like you’d get it.” Tobin laughs. “I haven’t told anyone, so I guess that’s kinda pathetic, huh? Maybe you don’t understand, but it’s still nice to talk.”

“I do understand, better than you’d realize,” Lukas finally confesses. “But I...don’t think I’m ready to say anymore than that.”

“That’s understandable. I’m the weird one for unloading on you right away. Still...whoever it is, they’re lucky.”

Imagining the way Mathilda looks at Clive like he’s the only man in the world, imagining how brave and strong and wonderful she is, and knowing that he can never truly hate her, Lukas simply says, “He is.”

“We can talk any time,” Tobin continues. “I won’t even charge!”

“That...would be nice,” he says with a soft chuckle. “In the meantime, I think I could pay you back in...some way.”

Lukas isn’t sure if he just wants to put his unpracticed skills- if they can be called that- to work, or if it’s his guilt about fantasizing about Clive or a twisted desire to bring that fantasy back. Perhaps it’s none of that, and perhaps he just wants to show Tobin a good time because he wants to. Whatever the case, Tobin asks no further questions, and Lukas does not need to offer any further explanation.

What happens between them remains a secret, and Lukas is somewhat relieved that, at the very least, he has gained a confidante and kindred spirit out of this.


End file.
